If you’ve ever wondered what happens when you sit in silence for 10 days—no talking, no phone, no distractions—this blog will take you behind the scenes of my very first Vipassana meditation retreat. From back pain and unexpected tears to fart symphonies and sexual fantasies, here’s the raw truth of what happened when I meditated for 100 hours in 10 days.

Let me take you inside my experience. This journey wasn’t what I expected. It was unique, funnier, and more beautiful than I ever imagined. 

Why I finally decided to go to Vipassana

Here’s the thing. I had never even heard of Vipassana until I met my boyfriend in 2017. He had done 3 retreats by that point, and almost every year since, he has gone back. Every time he returned; he seemed lighter, clearer and he had more energy and drive for life. He’d also ask, “Why haven’t you given it a go? It’s right up your alley. Your work, your love for growth and challenge.”

For eight years, he invited me, encouraged me, and reminded me. And every time, my response was: “F*ck no, that sounds too hard.” Not the silence, not the meditation hours, not even just having two meals a day. The thing that felt impossible to me was sitting still for that long. Because of one thing: my back pain.

My battle with back pain

I’ve experienced back pain for most of my adult life. I’ve seen countless professionals, but no one gave me real answers, until 2024. I started seeing a new chiropractor who listened differently. He wasn’t just trying to manage my symptoms, he wanted to find the root cause of my struggles. I cried in that session because, for the first time, I felt truly seen in my pain.

He ordered new x-rays, and the diagnosis came back:

• Cervical reversal of the neck
• Mild scoliosis in my upper back
• Kyphosis in the mid-back
• Anterolisthesis in the lumbar spine

WELL SH*T. No wonder I was in pain. These things have no ‘cure’ but can be managed with the right strengthening exercises and focus. We began weekly sessions, building strength around my spine, and slowly, I started feeling better. Understanding my spine and my body changed everything.

a Spiral into depression

In November 2024, during a coaching session (where I was the client), old traumas resurfaced, and I spiraled into depression. For the first time in my life, I wanted to run away from everything; avoiding interaction, sleeping a lot, disconnecting from my partner and my body. It was a dark, isolating time.

Despite my training as a trauma-informed coach, I forgot all my tools. All I could do was surrender and remember: “Impermanence. Nothing lasts forever.” I rode the waves, trusting the discomfort had a purpose.

Christmas came and went. It was hard. As New Year’s Eve approached, I canceled plans with friends, left my partner at home with our animals and took myself to the beach to be alone. I needed space, nature, and silence.

Starting to feel lighter, one morning in early January, I woke up with a spiritual download: It’s time to go to Vipassana. I was shocked—but this time the thought didn’t scare me. It was exactly what I had been yearning for. Silence. No interaction. No work. Nature. I applied. I got in.

When I told my partner, he was deeply excited and happy for me to have this experience. Although there is a Vipassana centre in the state I live in I chose to go interstate to make it a real getaway, booking time before and after the retreat for whatever adventures I felt called to.

I attended the Vipassana centre called Dhamma Bhumi in Blackheath New South Wales. This is in the Blue Mountains outside of Sydney.

pre-retreat fears & Expectations

What was I most afraid of?
Sitting still for so long. I can’t even sit still through a movie or plane ride without shifting constantly. The idea of hours a day in stillness? Terrifying.

Did I imagine enlightenment… or agony?
Agony, HA! Let’s be real. I didn’t think I’d float into bliss. I expected intense challenge and discomfort.

Funny misconceptions?
Being silent with 130 people is anything but quiet. The symphony of body sounds was wild; belly rumbles, sneezes, burps, farting. One older woman even let out a massive fart right by my head as she was being escorted out of the meditation hall for some support! I nearly exploded trying not to laugh.

The perfect lesson before vipassana

The morning I flew to Sydney for my Vipassana retreat, I was given one final universal nudge. A message I couldn’t ignore. I suddenly knew it was time to listen to The Surrender Experiment by Michael Singer, an audiobook that had been sitting on my “to-read” list for years. Something in me just knew: This is the perfect last read before stepping into silence.

I spent the entire day of travel immersed in its 7-hour audio journey, and OMG! It was exactly what I needed. It prepared me on a soul level for what Vipassana was truly about.

Because this retreat isn’t just about silence or meditation. It’s about surrender, to every sensation, thought, and emotion that arises, without resistance, without running, without trying to change it.

It’s about noticing the pain in your back without labeling it bad.
Witnessing a wave of anxiety without trying to escape it.
Feeling discomfort, boredom, or frustration and allowing it to be exactly as it is.

Instead of reacting, you just… watch.
You let it flow.
You surrender.

I’ve resisted this experience for years, convinced it would be too hard, too uncomfortable. But listening to that book on my journey, I realised the resistance wasn’t about the retreat. It was about my own fear of letting go of control.

Because true surrender isn’t just releasing control of the external world.
It’s about letting go of our grip on the internal one. Trusting the waves inside us to rise and fall without interference.

This book was a gift from the universe, the perfect prelude to ten days of deep, transformational surrender.

Arrival & orientation

A friend dropped me off at the center in the Blue Mountains, NSW. The walk to reception was lined with flowers, succulents, and moss; it felt magical. I was excited to spend 10 days immersed in nature.

I found my assigned bed in one of the 10-person dorms.It was a small cubicle, no windows or fan, just a curtain. I unpacked my things and eagerly handed in all electronic devices….Ahhhh FREEDOM!

We had our group orientation where we got to ask any questions before our silence began later that evening.I learned we’d be guided by pre-recorded teachings from Goenka for the entire 10 days. No live teachings, just his iconic voice and videos guiding us through the experience. We have senior teachers to support us and help run the retreat but everything was from Goenka himself.

Who is goenka?

S.N. Goenka (1924–2013) was a Burmese-Indian teacher who brought Vipassana meditation to the world in its pure, ancient form. Originally a businessman, he turned to Vipassana to heal chronic migraines and underwent a profound transformation.

In 1969, he began teaching retreats worldwide, always donation-based, strictly non-commercial, and non-dogmatic. His voice guided us daily. It was soothing, wise and with a sprinkle of humor. I found him absolutely adorable and deeply insightful.

the daily timetable

• 4:00 am – Wake-up bell
• 4:30-6:30 am – Meditate (group hall or bedroom)
• 6:30-8:00 am – Breakfast
• 8:00-9:00 am – Group meditation
• 9:00-11:00 am – Meditate (group hall or bedroom)
• 11:00-12:00 pm – Lunch
• 12:00-1:00 pm – Rest/teacher interviews
• 1:00-2:30 pm – Meditate (group hall or bedroom)
• 2:30-3:30 pm – Group meditation
• 3:30-5:00 pm – Meditate (group hall or bedroom)
• 5:00-6:00 pm – Tea break
• 6:00-7:00 pm – Group meditation
• 7:00-8:15 pm – Discourse
• 8:15-9:00 pm – Group meditation
• 9:00-9:30 pm – Questions
• 9:30 pm – Lights out

THIS WORKS OUT TO BE 10 HOURS and 45 MINUTES OF MEDITATION EVERYDAY!

Days 1–3: pain, period & claustrophobia

We started with Anapana meditation. Where you are focusing on the triangle between the nostrils and upper lip. It sounds simple, but 10 hours a day? My mind wandered constantly. It was tough, especially as I was also trying to find the best way to sit to maintain posture and stillness.

On Day 2, my period arrived. Heavy cramps, sitting pain, just as I feared. The provided foam cushions were simple and to me a bit useless haha and we all scrambled for more props. I tried finding a way to sit that would allow me to be still for at least an hour at a time. Half-lotus, butterfly, cross-legged, everything, but I couldn’t last 30 minutes without adjusting.

Claustrophobia began to creep in too. The meditation hall had no windows, my bedroom had no windows, except for the 2 bunks at the end of the room looking out to the valley beyond. I was definitely jealous of the two girls who got assigned those beds. But, on Day 4, a window bed opened up. I don’t know why this girl left the retreat but I saw an opportunity and asked to move. This got approved! Total game-changer. I could breathe and see nature. I did feel for the other women though and knew this retreat would have been extra hard if I was confined to my original space.

Days 4–7: vipassana, meditation stool & emotional release

We transitioned to Vipassana technique, body scanning from head to toe, noticing sensations without judgment. The mantra: Anicca – everything changes.

After failing to find a comfortable position sitting cross legged with all the cushions and props I asked to try a meditation stool. I had never tried one before and it saved me. I sat perfectly still for an hour. No pain, no shifting, I was blown away.

On Day 6, I was meditating in my room and my mind went floating into thoughts about life and love and family. I became overwhelmed by beautiful memories of my partner and family. My heart burst with gratitude and love. I (silently) cried and cried. Silent crying is like trying to funnel a waterfall through a straw. Letting the emotions flow while staying silent was a very hard thing.

From there? Flow. No highs or lows. I was just present. Peaceful.

Days 8–10: calm, clarity & breaking the silence

Oh day 8, this was when the familiar back aches finally showed up to the party. I’m actually shocked it was absent for so many days. 

On the other hand, I was so proud of myself for continuing to sit with such stillness, for staying equanimous (a word Goenka likes to use a lot) and for seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak….. Excitement crept in—I was finishing this thing! My focus got easier, but my mind loved wandering into memories and fantasies. I enjoyed it.

Day 10: Silence ended. At first, we whispered, feeling naughty for speaking, then chaos erupted. 60 women chattering, laughing, sharing. It was beautiful.

I was stunned by how wrong I was about each person I talked to. The assumptions I had made from just observing these women for 10 days were shattered. We came from everywhere. Teenage baristas, 87 year old great-grandma, students, healers, business owners and backpackers. Profound connection.

Having them ask me what I do for a living was fun! Getting to tell them I teach naked yoga and do online sex and relationship coaching? Eyes popped. Questions flew. And I loved it, I didn’t expect to get to network.

The hardest moments

The hardest things for me turned out to be not what I expected. 

1. I really missed reading! I read everyday at home. First thing with my morning coffee and in bed at night before going to sleep. This was something I did deeply miss.
2. No touch. No hugs. No intimacy. As someone who thrives on physical connection, this was painful. I didn’t even think about going into the retreat but of course I’d miss human contact so much.

the Breakthrough

I was reminded how blessed I am. The petty annoyances in life and in a long term relationship, dirty dishes, unwashed sheets, animal hair covering the floor,  these things don’t matter. Love matters. Connection matters. It was the most beautiful reminder to be grateful for all I have.

✨ goenka quote That says it all ✨

“You are your own master. The solution to your problems lies within you. Vipassana is a path of self-transformation through self-observation.”
— S.N. Goenka

tl;dr

Top 5 Takeaways From My Vipassana Experience

• I faced my fear of sitting still for 10+ hours a day… and actually enjoyed it.
• My back pain disappeared (until Day 8!) and I found physical strength I didn’t know I had.
• Silence isn’t the hard part—it’s the inner noise that challenges you most.
• I cried, I laughed (silently), and I thought about sex way more than expected.
• Surrendering control was the biggest lesson—and the most liberating.

life After vipassana

I stayed a few nights at a local backpackers to give myself space to gently come back to reality. I met amazing people, had wild adventures, and gave myself time to integrate.

One thing that was asked by a lot of the women was will you continue this practice? And will you do another Vipassana? They all laughed at my honest answers of NO. Let me explain…

Will I continue meditating daily?
Nope. It’s not my go-to practice, but now I know it’s there if I need it. 

Will I do it again? 

Not anytime soon. I know one day I’ll get the message form the universe to go again and explore the next layers of this 10 days of silence but not this year haha

The biggest surprise? 

My back pain vanished until Day 8. I thought i’d be battling my daily back ache for the whole retreat but I felt nothing until day 8. I think sitting erect with no back support strengthened my spine. What a gift.

Final Confession: I thought about sex… a lot

There are 5 precepts we must adhere to for the duration of the course and one of them is to abstain from any sexual activity. This didn’t have me concerned at all. I had no privacy anyway and this environment wasn’t exactly turning me on haha 

I didn’t feel aroused once, but my mind, oh that was dirty. Fantasies galore. I think I relived all my past lovers, I had wild new sexual ideas, it was fun and unexpected. No one knew the filthy thoughts in my head as we all sat silently together.

🧘‍♀️ Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) About Vipassana

1. Is it hard to stay silent for 10 days?
   Honestly, no. I actually spoke a few words everyday, asking a question to the senior support and management. The silence itself was easy. It’s the internal noise that challenges you. The mind gets LOUD before it gets still.
2. Can you leave early if it’s too much?
   Technically yes, but they encourage you to speak to the teacher first. Many people feel like quitting, and support is available to help you ride those waves.
3. What’s the food like?
   Delicious, simple, and vegetarian. Two meals a day (plus tea). No frills, but nourishing, and trust me, you won’t starve.
4. What if I’ve never meditated before?
   You don’t need any prior experience. The technique is taught step-by-step. All you need is willingness and curiosity.
5. Do men and women meditate together?
   The male residences and dining room are separate from the females. You won’t speak, touch, or even make eye contact with the opposite sex. It’s all about turning inward. In the group meditation hall we are all together but there is strict segregation. The hall is divided with all the females sitting on the right and all the males on the left. 

🎒 vipassana packing list – essentials you’ll thank yourself for

Must-Haves (for me)
✔️ Yoga mat (for light stretching)
✔️ Meditation cushion (I used this everywhere)
✔️ Shakti mat (amazing for blood flow and pain relief)
✔️ Hot water bottle (for cold nights or cramps)
✔️ Digital watch (a game-changer for time awareness)

Clothing
✔️ Loose, comfortable clothes — think flowy long pants and t-shirts
✔️ Warm layers — it gets cold at night
✔️ Slip-on shoes for easy movement and walking shoes for gentle exercise

Toiletries
✔️ Basics only — no makeup, perfumes, or luxury items
✔️ Period supplies (if needed — plan ahead!)

✔️ Body wash & soap for hand washing your clothes

Leave at Home
❌ Phones, laptops, books
❌ Snacks, tobacco, alcohol
❌ Jewelry or anything flashy

Bonus Tips
– A scarf or shawl can be cozy for meditation
– Earplugs (if you’re a light sleeper)

Your turn

What silence or stillness are you avoiding?
Let yourself lean in. I’d love to hear your thoughts. 💛

Stepping into the Unknown

At the end of this month, I’m embarking on something that, for years, I told myself I could never do.

I’m flying to the Blue Mountains to attend my first Vipassana meditation retreat—ten days of complete silence, no technology, no distractions, no eye contact, and no external stimulation. Just me, my thoughts, and ten hours of meditation a day.

For those unfamiliar with Vipassana, let me share what this ancient practice is all about—and why I’ve finally decided to take the plunge.

What is vipassana?

Vipassana, meaning “insight” or “clear seeing,” is one of the most ancient meditation techniques, originally taught by Gautama Buddha over 2,500 years ago. Unlike other meditation styles that incorporate mantras, visualization, or breath control, Vipassana is about observing reality exactly as it is.

It’s a deep, disciplined practice that teaches you to witness sensations, emotions, and thoughts without reacting. The retreat is an immersive ten-day experience designed to break old mental conditioning and habitual reactivity. Here’s what that looks like in practice:

• Silence: No talking, no eye contact, no gestures—complete solitude in a shared space.
• Ten hours of meditation per day: Sitting in stillness, scanning the body, and observing sensations without attachment or aversion.
• No distractions: No phones, books, writing, or external stimulation—only the practice.
• Two vegetarian meals per day: Eating mindfully, free from the distractions of conversation or screens.
• 4:30 AM wake-ups: Days start early, with the first meditation session before dawn.

The philosophy behind Vipassana is simple yet profound: suffering arises from our resistance to reality. We cling to pleasure, avoid discomfort, and react impulsively to every sensation, emotion, and thought. Through deep meditation, we learn to sit with it all—without running, numbing, or reacting.

Why now? my Journey to saying yes

For eight years, my partner has attended a Vipassana retreat annually. He treats it as his end-of-year ritual, disappearing into silence and returning with unmistakable clarity, lightness, and a renewed sense of purpose. Every time he’s completed a retreat, he’s told me, “Rikki, you would love this. You should do one.”

And every time, I’ve responded, “Absolutely not. That sounds like my personal hell.”

It wasn’t the silence, the wake-ups, or even the lack of distractions that scared me. It was the sitting still. Ten hours a day of meditation with a back that constantly aches? It felt impossible.

So, for years, I let that stop me. I told myself, I could never do that. And honestly, I believed it.

But then something shifted.

At the end of last year, I went through a downward spiral. Old wounds resurfaced. I felt disconnected from myself, my direction, and my joy. It was uncomfortable, confronting, and humbling.

Then, after spending New Year’s Eve alone on the beach, waking up with the sunrise and just being with myself for a few days, I felt something new—a deep, undeniable knowing that it was time.

No overthinking. No fear. No excuses. Just a full-body yes.

I applied. Got accepted. And now, in just two weeks, I’ll be boarding a plane to step into this experience fully.

Leaning into discomfort & Trusting the timing

What I’ve learned over the years is that growth isn’t about forcing yourself into experiences before you’re ready—it’s about listening for when the timing is right.

I could have signed up for a Vipassana retreat years ago, but I would have been doing it from a place of should rather than readiness. And I know myself—I don’t force my evolution. I let it unfold when the signs align.

And when they do? I don’t ignore them.

That’s what this moment is for me. It’s a reminder that sometimes the very thing we resist is the thing we need the most. And when the resistance drops? When the fear no longer feels like a roadblock? That’s when we know it’s time to leap.

I share this because maybe there’s something in your life that you’ve been telling yourself you could never do. Maybe you’ve written it off as too difficult, too uncomfortable, too confronting.

(So many women say these words to me when I invite them to my Naked Awakening workshops!)

And maybe, just maybe, it’s not a no forever—it’s just a not yet.

But when the timing does feel right? Don’t ignore it.

what’s Next? the uncertainty of who i’ll be after This

I have no idea what I will walk out of this retreat feeling.

Will I come out completely changed? Will I gain clarity on my next steps? Will it be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done? Will it be the most rewarding?

I have no clue. And that’s what excites me.

I have purposefully left my schedule open after the retreat because I don’t know how this experience will shift me. Maybe everything in my life will feel the same. Maybe I’ll come out with a completely new trajectory. I don’t know. But I’m open.

And I think that’s the greatest gift we can give ourselves—to walk into the unknown with curiosity instead of fear.

An Invitation for You

I don’t share this story to convince you to sign up for a ten-day silent retreat (unless that’s your calling, in which case, DO IT!).

I share this to remind you:

• If you’ve been feeling called to something that feels uncomfortable but right—trust that pull.
• If you’ve been resisting something out of fear, ask yourself if it’s truly a no or just a not yet.
• If you’ve been stuck in the belief that you could never—know that there might come a day when your body says, actually, we’re ready now.

Discomfort isn’t always a sign to run. Sometimes, it’s a sign to lean in.

I’ll be sharing more about this experience when I return in March, but until then, I’d love to hear from you—has there ever been something you once resisted, only to later realise it was exactly what you needed? LET ME KNOW 🙂

With love, curiosity, and a whole lot of surrender,
Rikki

A new year doesn’t always Mean a fresh start

Everywhere you look, the world is buzzing with “New Year, New Me!” energy—goal setting, vision boards, and resolutions filling social feeds. But what if that’s not how you feel? What if, instead of motivation, you’re feeling stuck, unmotivated, or even a little lost? You are not alone, and this season—just like any other—deserves to be honoured in its own way.

“Feeling unmotivated as the new year begins? You’re not alone. Learn why this heavy energy is normal and how to honour your process.”

The start of a new year is supposed to feel fresh, exciting, full of motivation and momentum. But if you’ve been struggling to find that energy—if you’ve felt low, unmotivated, disconnected, or even a little lost—I want you to know: you are not alone.

While the world shouts “New Year, New Me!” and pushes resolutions and reinvention, many of us are feeling the complete opposite—like we’re wading through fog, unable to focus, unmotivated, or even numb to the things that once brought us joy.

And I get it—because I’ve been feeling it too.

I’ve been feeling It Too

This isn’t just me speaking from a place of guidance—this is me speaking from experience. Because if I’m being completely honest… ending 2024 and stepping into 2025 has been heavy for me, too.

Christmas felt like a struggle. I didn’t have the joy, the excitement, or the warmth that this season often brings. And by the time New Year’s Eve arrived, I wasn’t in the mood to celebrate—I was in the mood to hide.

So that’s what I did. I spent New Year’s Eve (mostly) alone, at the beach beach, staring out at the water. I didn’t want to be social. I didn’t want to put on a “New Year, New Me” face. The energy of this time of year didn’t feel expansive or exciting—it felt like a vortex, pulling me inward, into introspection, solitude, and stillness.

And honestly? That energy has carried across the invisible threshold into 2025. I’m still moving slow. I still feel deep in thought. My motivation feels far away, and concentrating on anything for long periods of time has been hard.

But instead of battling against this natural ebb and flow of my energy, I am doing my best to meet it. OK, at first I battled it haha but I guess I needed to try that to remember it wouldn’t work. 

Now, I meet it:

To allow instead of resist.
To honour instead of judge.
To trust that this phase, too, has its purpose.

And if you’ve been feeling this too, I want you to know: you are not alone in this.

The collective energy feels heavy Right now

Maybe you’ve noticed:

• Your mind feels scattered, and concentrating feels impossible.

• Motivation seems just out of reach, no matter how much you want to feel inspired.

• Joy, gratitude, and excitement feel distant, like they’re happening to everyone except you.

• You’re judging yourself for not hitting the ground running in 2025 the way you thought you would.

If this resonates, take a deep breath with me right now. 💛
There is nothing wrong with you. This isn’t failure. This isn’t laziness. This is simply where you are right now.

I see You, I hear you, and you are not Alone

This time of year holds so much expectation. We are told we should be bursting with motivation, setting goals, feeling fresh and new. But what if you’re not?

What if the new year arrived, and instead of feeling inspired, you felt… stuck?
What if your body and nervous system didn’t get the memo that it’s time to go go go?
What if instead of charging forward, you’re feeling the weight of everything you didn’t process last year?

That experience is real. It’s valid. And it deserves space.

There’s a collective heaviness right now for so many people. Whether it’s exhaustion from the past year, emotional processing that didn’t get done, or just a deeper need to pause before moving forward—you are not alone in feeling this.

No fixing. no forcing. just allowing.

I’m not here to give you a pep talk. I’m not here to tell you to push through, set goals, or “just be positive.” Because honestly? That’s not what you need right now.

What you need is permission to feel exactly how you feel.

What you need is to know that there is nothing wrong with moving slowly.

What you need is to be reminded that your worth is not measured by your productivity, your motivation, or how ‘on it’ you feel right now.

Some seasons of life are about forward momentum. Others are about stillness.
Wherever you are in this moment, you are worthy of compassion, softness, and space.

so here’s my Invitation to You…

Instead of judging yourself, what if you just witnessed yourself?
Instead of forcing motivation, what if you allowed rest?
Instead of asking, “Why am I like this?” what if you asked, “What is my body, my heart, my soul trying to tell me?”

There is no deadline to feeling ready. There is no rush.
You are exactly where you need to be.
And I promise you, this moment will shift. Energy moves. Emotions process. The fog lifts.
And when it does, you will still be you—worthy, whole, and enough.

If you need more support, I’m Here

If this spoke to you, and you’re feeling called to deeper guidance, no matter what year you find this blog and read it,  I want you to know that I am here to support you with 1:1 coaching.

This is for you if you’re ready to be held in a safe, trauma-informed space where you can:

✨ Process what’s been weighing you down.
✨ Gain clarity on where you want to go next.
✨ Learn tools to navigate your emotions and inner world with more ease.

If you’d like to work together, Click Here to Book a Session or reach out to me directly.