Why I finally decided to go to Vipassana
Here’s the thing. I had never even heard of Vipassana until I met my boyfriend in 2017. He had done 3 retreats by that point, and almost every year since, he has gone back. Every time he returned; he seemed lighter, clearer and he had more energy and drive for life. He’d also ask, “Why haven’t you given it a go? It’s right up your alley. Your work, your love for growth and challenge.”
For eight years, he invited me, encouraged me, and reminded me. And every time, my response was: “F*ck no, that sounds too hard.” Not the silence, not the meditation hours, not even just having two meals a day. The thing that felt impossible to me was sitting still for that long. Because of one thing: my back pain.
My battle with back pain
I’ve experienced back pain for most of my adult life. I’ve seen countless professionals, but no one gave me real answers, until 2024. I started seeing a new chiropractor who listened differently. He wasn’t just trying to manage my symptoms, he wanted to find the root cause of my struggles. I cried in that session because, for the first time, I felt truly seen in my pain.
He ordered new x-rays, and the diagnosis came back:
- Cervical reversal of the neck
- Mild scoliosis in my upper back
- Kyphosis in the mid-back
- Anterolisthesis in the lumbar spine
WELL SH*T. No wonder I was in pain. These things have no ‘cure’ but can be managed with the right strengthening exercises and focus. We began weekly sessions, building strength around my spine, and slowly, I started feeling better. Understanding my spine and my body changed everything.
a Spiral into depression
In November 2024, during a coaching session (where I was the client), old traumas resurfaced, and I spiraled into depression. For the first time in my life, I wanted to run away from everything; avoiding interaction, sleeping a lot, disconnecting from my partner and my body. It was a dark, isolating time.
Despite my training as a trauma-informed coach, I forgot all my tools. All I could do was surrender and remember: “Impermanence. Nothing lasts forever.” I rode the waves, trusting the discomfort had a purpose.
Christmas came and went. It was hard. As New Year’s Eve approached, I canceled plans with friends, left my partner at home with our animals and took myself to the beach to be alone. I needed space, nature, and silence.
Starting to feel lighter, one morning in early January, I woke up with a spiritual download: It’s time to go to Vipassana. I was shocked—but this time the thought didn’t scare me. It was exactly what I had been yearning for. Silence. No interaction. No work. Nature. I applied. I got in.
When I told my partner, he was deeply excited and happy for me to have this experience. Although there is a Vipassana centre in the state I live in I chose to go interstate to make it a real getaway, booking time before and after the retreat for whatever adventures I felt called to.
I attended the Vipassana centre called Dhamma Bhumi in Blackheath New South Wales. This is in the Blue Mountains outside of Sydney.
pre-retreat fears & Expectations
What was I most afraid of?
Sitting still for so long. I can’t even sit still through a movie or plane ride without shifting constantly. The idea of hours a day in stillness? Terrifying.
Did I imagine enlightenment… or agony?
Agony, HA! Let’s be real. I didn’t think I’d float into bliss. I expected intense challenge and discomfort.
Funny misconceptions?
Being silent with 130 people is anything but quiet. The symphony of body sounds was wild; belly rumbles, sneezes, burps, farting. One older woman even let out a massive fart right by my head as she was being escorted out of the meditation hall for some support! I nearly exploded trying not to laugh.
The perfect lesson before vipassana
The morning I flew to Sydney for my Vipassana retreat, I was given one final universal nudge. A message I couldn’t ignore. I suddenly knew it was time to listen to The Surrender Experiment by Michael Singer, an audiobook that had been sitting on my “to-read” list for years. Something in me just knew: This is the perfect last read before stepping into silence.
I spent the entire day of travel immersed in its 7-hour audio journey, and OMG! It was exactly what I needed. It prepared me on a soul level for what Vipassana was truly about.
Because this retreat isn’t just about silence or meditation. It’s about surrender, to every sensation, thought, and emotion that arises, without resistance, without running, without trying to change it.
It’s about noticing the pain in your back without labeling it bad.
Witnessing a wave of anxiety without trying to escape it.
Feeling discomfort, boredom, or frustration and allowing it to be exactly as it is.
Instead of reacting, you just… watch.
You let it flow.
You surrender.
I’ve resisted this experience for years, convinced it would be too hard, too uncomfortable. But listening to that book on my journey, I realised the resistance wasn’t about the retreat. It was about my own fear of letting go of control.
Because true surrender isn’t just releasing control of the external world.
It’s about letting go of our grip on the internal one. Trusting the waves inside us to rise and fall without interference.
This book was a gift from the universe, the perfect prelude to ten days of deep, transformational surrender.